"Whether good or bad, life changing situations often give people the chance to grow, learn, and appreciate what's important to them. Many people with cancer describe their experiences as a journey. It's not necessarily a journey they would have chosen for themselves. But it sometimes presents the opportunity to look at things in a different way." -"Facing Forward: Life after Cancer Treatment" booklet, NCI

When I read this quote..I had to smile  because there so much to be thought about when this disease its. It changes everything. But the best thing about it is..You think about today the here and now. I never lived like that prior to this experience. Now I do. I focus on now, this second. I truly believe all the risks taken were worth it to get to this point.

Someone asked me the other day * If your cancer came back would you do treatment again?*  Since my cancer has returned several times....My remark was.* Yes it would be worth all the risks.*  Remission doesn't mean I am cured. I wish but if it did happen I would do everything in my power to do what needed to be done.

Do I look at life in a different way?  Of course. I continue to believe that for anything worth it, you fight for it. Its worth the risks taken. I survived . For that I am grateful.

 

Always Hope.

I'm so tired of rain. I think we have had one day in October that has really had no rain. Its really chilly here today as well. Makes me glad we went out  earlier this week for a walk at the park and let the Lil One play.
I love the fall most here know that that. I am blown away sometimes at how beautiful the trees are.
We live in an older neighborhood where the homes are all older starter ranches . So this time of year there are tons of trees that are just beautiful. The one street is a tunnel of bright golds, reds and oranges. I am sure with the heavy rains a lot of the leaves have fallen today.
Since it was dark when we left to babysit today. I couldn't really get look.
Lil One is sound  asleep in her princess bed...after a long night last night. Seems she might sleep the day away . Which I think is a good thing. As I am really beat and really thankful its Friday today!
I love getting to see her daily but its not an easy task...like it use to be. I forgot how hard little ones can be at two and half. She is cute as can be but when she wants something its now. So we are really working on a few things to help her. Ugh You know I love being a grandma but sure is had the being the one to discipiln her when we have her so much. However they don't learn without it and its a must. So we do it hate it but needs doing.
I could sure write a whole blog on Grandparenting today.:)
I also know and am really grateful to have her in our life's what a blessing she is.
I am off to rest some in hopes it will help when she is up.

Hugs and Prayers, Always Hope

I have been trying all week to write a post.  Sometimes cirumstances happen and we don't have a clue why. People come together do to common bonds, pieces of life's woven by things that happen in life. Most of the time its a positive show of support. Not a bad thing.

Other times is for other reasons. Sometimes we don't see all of them and other times they become crystal clear minus words. That's okay to.

Lately I have been feeling that in the realm of support I'm missing out or beyond where most are. I can't expect them to understand . Its nearly impossible for them to when they haven't been here.

Sometimes to we find some real gems and outside of the support systems those are the ones we stay in touch . We share our lives and thoughts. Beyond online and that's sometimes  a very profound situation with those of us dealing with the circumstances of cancer.

One thing I have learned is people snap the thread at times . Totally break away.  Its hard cause you always hope for the best for that person and their family.

One thing I heard was that ...its fun while it lasted. You know friendship to me goes much deeper then fun. I think that because I am one who loves to communicate and listen to. I love to learn about people and their life's. I think communication is an action that some are not good at . In this world of text messaging , twitter, facebook , emails and all this online stuff. Yes we make friends here. But we loss some as well. Because of people flippant attitudes and stupid fly by night remarks.  Some things are said and things get lost in the gap.

As for how I feel about several things lately. I am moving on. I have no energy for negatives in my life. There are times when in life peoples actions mean more then words. This is just one of those times. Hard as it is...moving on for me its the best thing. Common threads or not.

Kudos to two people whose have really helped me this past week. You know who you are! Thank You.

  "To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life." -- Pablo Neruda

Boy is that ever true!
As I wondered the Spaces the other morning I was so happy to see our Julieann is back. I have missed her friendship ,writing and photography.  Welcome back Julieann!!
Amazingly, friendships are woven here in through the spaces. I am often so blessed by those who read and comment.
Wishing you all many blessings today.

Hugs and Prayers Always Hope
PS more later..want to post some photographs but not at home till later!

Back in 1988 when my best friend from college had aggressive breast cancer for her second time...many things went through my head . Many.  I remember wondering what she must be feeling . What it must be like for her? Little did we know in a mater of months she would be gone. She was only 33.

I always wondered what it was like to be in her shoes. A young mom with cancer , a wife and so on and on. I couldn't fathom what she must of been feeling. I couldn't fathom what it would be like to be in her shoes.

I could have compassion to help her but I didn't know the true meaning of empathy. I couldn't have. I never walked in the shoes of a person with cancer. Little did I know it would happen to me. It also happened to our other friend. All three of us got cancer. All of us under the age of 50.

Now I realize the only shoes I have our my own. My story. Not that I am not inspired by those that have been in my life who had cancer or do now . I am.  Just that I can now totally relate to how it feels to have cancer.

Empathy comes from understanding , from suffering. It comes from the fear placed around you at that moment you hear the words about you. It comes from the chaos from within...something so hard to explain to others. Sometimes all we can do is be there. Empathy comes from having been there I comes from standing on the path of others on the same journey walking in tattered tired shoes.It means being willing to stand up take action , letting them know you understand even at the worst times letting them know its real and they matter.

Shoes come in all forms and sizes...none of which should be forgotten.

There are days that I sure wish....I knew back in 1988 what I know today.

 

Always Hope

In live things happen to us and we all wonder why. I look into this little tine face and I know what amazing grace is all about. You don't go through all this tough stuff. For God not to supply the beauty life offers after it. I truly believe there are reasons why I am not finished yet.

All week long I wake up and go to be with this little angel and know life doesn't get much better then this. It can't.

 

To just be here is beyond words and a blessing beyond what I can put here. You have to live it and breathe it to get it . Lately I have shed tears joyful ones . Some not so joyful to..due to changes in life. Not all of which are easy or that I might not like so much. But the best medicine is to have those around us that we love. If do not have that and the touch of those we love...Thrive to survive life is tough and grueling. So I am blessed beyond measure. With my kids granddaughter and marrying my best friend.

So look around you life happens but the best medicines you can't buy it over the counter or in a bottle . Its right there in front of of you. You had it right there all the time. Blessings...Always Hope

Lately I have been really feeling at a loss. Support for cancer patients is something people don't talk about . I am here to tell you once you found a great place you stay. But I also know when the place bottoms out and people just dump it and leave. The patients are the ones who really struggle with it. They also struggle with others saying and stating.* Oh well it was good while it lasted.* Sadly that's a horrible way to look at it. But then I can't expect the ones who do not have it themselves to understand the void. Or the hurt that the void provides.

Then the other issue is you feel people are your friends...and you find some really are not. Although you support them through hard times. When you need it they are no place to be found. Any avenue you try....they make sure no response.

Its hurtful. It really does make me sad. More then some will ever understand . The  damn thing is. Till its you no one really understands it. I'm not saying caregivers don't...Its on a different level. Just different when it resides in you.

Lately I haven't been writing as much and I decided that I need to to get through some changes.  This past week I had my check up was good physically. But like most times the anxiety of dealing with cancer like we do and the long term issues its really hard. Just walking in the hospital makes me struggle. I can't put into words. With the support easier but this go around. I gotta tell you it sucked. It wasn't that I lost the support of my family...that's not it all. But the outside support...that did suck. I so can't put that in writing. Phsyically I can handle the wait on blood work and making the choices that may need to be made. But for those who think this is easy thing, think again. Those who simply walk away. What if that was you? How would you feel?

In talking to my Doctor...He was awesome. I gotta tell you...He set the perspective straight. That most wouldn't go through this and come out with a positive out look. Wanting to help others and doing so. He reminded to  forget the ones who don't care  to get it. Or can't handle it. Or listen to the hardships that come with it.  Let them move on ....for what ever the reason. After all these situations are given to us because we become equiped to handle it to the best of our ability. Not easy ever. But he is right. In that I don't dwell daily on cancer now. Its there in my mind but I live my life fully. Like I use to just differently now.

Its funny but I am not who started writing this blog...So many things have changed. I guess what I would say to some..That silence and not seeing the whole picture...Just peice of what I am....its unfair to judge . Meet a person once doesn't tell the whole story. So don't just a book by its cover. Its not right to.

One thing I learned about myself is that I look now out at the world and its very different for me.  Things are so trival and people are so spoiled. I am not one of those people. No one I care about it is taken for granted whether it be a friend  or family.  The other thing is I work hard on relationships...if they are taken for granted. That bends me outta shape.Or if people walk away no explanation. The worst. Its like they never valued what I put out.  That will bother me more then anything .  Life happens I get it...say so. But walking away no reason. If the shoe was on your foot would you feel good about it? Doubt it,would feel good for you.

Right now I value many people in my life and things really don't mean much. Lately even with hardships I promise that from now on.....I'm really looking after me and my heart. Having it stepped on lately really wasn't fun. Or maybe people were just not who they seemed . Not who I thought they seemed to be

So that said , its out there....AS much as it hurts its okay. I will survive. I always do. Hugs and Prayers Always Hope.

 

Yesterday I was reading the New York Times. I have to wonder what this world is coming to.  Also what has happened to common sense.
A six year old Cub Scout  suspended for 45 days for bring a camping tool to school. Now years ago I brought a knife to school to cut an apple.
I also brought a fork to eat something Mom sent for lunch.
Things have gone waaaaay too far when a 6 yr. old Cub Scout is suspended for bringing an eating utensil to school, and a high-school girl is strip-searched because she might have an ibuprofen tablet stuffed in her underwear. Pens and pencils and compasses (remember those, from geometry, with a sharp point on one side and a pencil on the other, for drawing circles?) can be used as weapons too -- should we be banning them too?? It wouldn't matter if school principals could manage to ban every single thing they could think of that could conceivably hurt another kid, if someone is bent on hurting someone else, he/she will find a way to do it.

We need to return to common sense. I know the school districts are deathly afraid of being sued if there's a violent incident, but the current situation is absurd. Life doesn't work in black/white absolutes.

The other thing is What to we eat lunch with in the cafeteria??? Forks, Spoons, as well as knifes. . Oh my God the schools provide these ...do they consider them deadly weapons, that they have right in the schools??? So should we serve finger sandwiches...Oh wait...fingers can do harm to...should we get rid of them to???

Whatever happened to the classroom teacher taking away whatever the item is for the day?? Giving it back when the child goes home. Or calling a parent about the given item this child had in his possession?? No that's to easy. Would require common sense.

I agree in zero tolerance. But when do we as a society go totally overboard here. What are we teaching this child that  he is a bad boy. What happens when the punishment out weights the action such as this does?

45 minutes for a child this age is enough to miss school. 45 days. I know kids that are way older working in a school and got way less and did way more then this child. When does this stop??

Just my take.

Lately we have been so busy its insane. Busy is good though because I have had a lot on my mind lately. 
This past week and weekend my two sisters were in from California and Maine. We have not seen each other in three years since my daughter's wedding. Yes its been three years hard to believe isn't it. That trip was a blur and I really did not have time to visit with them like I would of liked to to.
This trip was crazy to. Doing it around things and schedules and trying to make the best of the little time we had.
We also had do something that wasn't any fun..Well it was part of it. I really haven't written much about my one sister. I have 4 . I am very close to the two who visited. The other one who lives south of here...Not so close to her. However she is the one who has suffered a stroke in the past and now brain stem migraines which are very debilitating. They mimic a stroke and this last issue has her in a wheel chair and doing extensive rehab.
They have been to the Uof M and refuse to go back. Best Neuro in the state and due to them wanting a physic review on her. She refuses to go back . She hated it there. Sighs.  So now her doctor is sending her back to Cleveland Clinic with Neuro..Who found nothing before. It makes no sense to me. None. But what do I know. Her husband is a doctor and I just am not happy with him or his response pertaining to her.

My sisters and I went down to to visit her..this past Saturday. She can't stand..Has to be moved from the chair to chair . Her speech is a mess and one hand is not usable. And she was not talking to highly of the rehab people..but then she doesn't about anyone . So who knows. Plus she was just taken off meds because they caused more problems then they should have neurologically. UGH.

So it was a trip and half . Of course Mom said her and Dad had to drive down there due to all the health issues. Finally my one sister told her No you do not. This a trip sisters have to do...and there is no reason for you and Dad to travel 200 miles for what?? So it was good just we went. Also hard though. Harder yet knowing if any thing goes wrong. My sisters head back and guess who is here. UGH

So between the visits, the parents, babysitting and our things..I have been just overwhelmed at times. I find myself digging deep at times and just coming home to rest. Because I need to take care of me. Not everyone else.

I suppose I just wanted everyone to know I m alive and well...:) It amazing how busy we do get at times isn't it.

I am off its a chilly day in Michigan. Trees are changing and its to cold for October.

Thinking of all of you.

Hugs and prayers.
Always Hope

 

"Every day may not be good, but there is something good in every day." ~ Anonymous

( taken by Dave.First picture:   I am the one with a brown top on. Third from the right in the top picture. My Husband is first on
the right.  Second picture back row  Just me myself and I.)

A few friends from our Catholic Grade School talking on Classmates. Getting in touch on Facebook. As much as I hate it
FB brought us girls all back together after 36yrs. Yup its been that long.
We started talking could not wait for a 40 yr Reunion. So we met at a local park 40 of us and our spouses. Most of us
went to High School together and graduated in 73.
We had a riot and will see each other locally again this weekend. Our old Church and School hosts the local Sausage
Fest. and its a big deal for us to go. So we will see.

The same morning  a dear friend Robin who had ovarian cancer was buried.

Amazing how horribly grueling it was but to see all of my old childhood friends the same day priceless.

So this why I have been kinda silent lately. It just seems so many I know have cancer and lossing people when you have dealt with it on a personal level well its just tough.

Seeing old friends and re connecting. Was awesome in so many ways.

I m off its been busy got others things to share..but off for some sleep.

Hugs and Prayers
Always Hope

Still here just very very busy and taking the time to live life! More when I get a some free time .

Always Hope.

I am more and more convinced that our happiness or our unhappiness depends far more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves."

--Karl Wilhelm Von Humboldt

I have been reflecting on lot of things this week. One thing is that I live in today, the here and now and that I am a pretty positive person regardless what life throws at me. I won't say I don't worry about the future I do but the past is the past to.
We did go for a visit to my parents. It was touchy. Its touchy and dramatic because my mom makes it as such and it does not have to be that way.
I am going to type this and let it go. I have written about my sister with the strokes . I am coming to grips she is going through hell just on a different level in her own situation. I bypass her stupid remarks as I know they are due to the current situation and problems in the brain. I m not happy she is going through all this.
Then there are my things all the head and neck issues. Treatment and Radiation . The issues from radiation to the head, the list goes on and on. But I take one day at time and make the best of the situation. Yes I think of it daily but its not my whole day. It is what it is and I can't change it happened. I am trying to move on and make the best of time given.
The remarks made yesterday were...*So how do I deal with two daughters with fried brains! Yup that was said. Kinda worse yet : *What did I do to deserve all of this?* OMG!! She was dead serious!
I was stunned but not shocked..as this is how it always is.  I blew it off with a comment, making her think about it. Got up and just walked away. Defusing the drama once again.

Then we sat down to eat lunch which my sister ( the one who is a nun)who is so self centered wanted lunch outside on this sweltering day. I put Mom's chair in the shade knowing she can't handle the heat and hubby put mine there as well...She was like what the heck. Hubby bless his heart stepped up and said.* Remember your sister had radiation to the head and can't sit in the sun. Less you want her passing out or getting sick its not happening.!* He put my chair outta the sun and that was that. So we ate and in the mean time the humidity was making me sick. Ack! I gotta tell you that burger I didn't even taste it. I helped Dad clear the table and there my sister sat not doing a damn thing like usual. UGH!

The other issue was her discussing my sister with the stroke  and how she has to do this that and the other thing. Hello I am well aware! Why cram it down our throats while we eat..especially when I have done some the exact same things and its ignored...Bad lunch topic!!!!

I am not ignoring whats happening just  that I know all to well and its sad to say the least that not one person gets it.

Later I did talk to my Dad...and got several things nailed out. About the negativity issues around there. I refuse to go and listen to things like the above.

I have had sick children to. I would never have heart to say that to my child no matter what the age they are. Its like I ruined her life getting sick and it was not to punish her nor did God give me this trial to punish me. Its life ...thats that. It wasn't my plan to get cancer and I am sure not my sisters to have all the stroke issues and things that are going with it the complex migrains in the brain stem. There was no plan to mess up mom's life due to all of this..Its Gods will not mine.

Its hard but I need to write it to let it go....moving on.

More photos later when I get home.

Hugs and Prayers Always Hope

*Many people with a diagnosis of cancer needlessly pollute their lives by living in the past or in the future. Instead, I suggest our goal should be to live well with the only time we do have – this very precious moment.* ~Greg Anderson Author :Cancer-50 Essential Things To Do.