CLUB SAMMICH CAFE©: Blurbs of Life with Cancer

Way to Young.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 19:17:41 GMT

Leroy Sievers 1955-2008

Leroy Siever's Battle Inspired Courage
I first heard of Leroy sometime ago on a Ted Koppel's , Documentary on Cancer. It was a documentary which Ted focuses on his friend Leroy Siever's blog, *My Cancer*and he responses to in the cancer community.
I have read this blog from the beginning not only did I meet and leave comments for a incrediably huge man in spirit and in heart. But a warrior in all sense of the word. His battle was written about in this blog. It is open and very much to the point. He said what many patients feel and shared opening about his fight with cancer. Never a victim always a survivor in every since of the word. Cancer is not a pretty or easy disease, Leroy shared it all no fluff all truth. Feelings and all .
This blog profoundly challenged my thoughts with my own cancer as well as realizing its something that many of us are dealing with on a daily basis.
Leroy, gave a gift and left a huge legecy through this blog . He became a daily friend one I checked daily in good times and rotten ones his candor on so much was shared. If any
thing his blog was about living the with a disease so many have and in this community of cancer. All of us were profoundly touched by Leroy.

One thing I realized being a part of his blog comments. Is that there is a huge community of patients, caregiver-survivors out there. I am have been extremely blessed to be a part of it.

I will be forever grateful for Leroy , his story and what he shared with all of us daily.

My prayers are with Laurie and their Family and Friends today.

Rest in Peace Leroy.

Between Pediatric and Geriatrics

Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:44:04 GMT

I haven't written much lately. Today I feel I should just cause of what's on my mind. A while back someone told me it was okay I had cancer at my age. I was shocked at the immaturity of the person. Never mind that I was 41 when I was at my sickest and entered treatment at age42. Thats not old my any means.But as I wonder around the internet just checking out cancer sites.I realize in some forums I am an *Old Fart Cancer Patient* Being over 40. Omg!! How can that be!!

It brings me to this. Few weeks back I bumped in to a man at the hospital who was 105 and had cancer. I beg to say his needs are way different then mine as a cancer patient. Let alone a person his age. But are they the same as mine. In some ways of course. But in other ways no way.

I am finding we have a social situation that should be with cancer. But am I better off cause I got dxed at 42. I don't thinks so in some ways. In other ways yes I can't argue because I do not know how it is to be 20 with cancer. But its still cancer at any age. IT stinks.

Ironically I don't think my age even at 53 is old. I simply don't. Each age group as its thing with cancer and socially you work through to a better point.

What upsets me is when people think at my age, I have one foot on the banana peel and the other in the grave. Since I don't rate to be in the younger group Nor the older group. I have to laugh. Or I love this one.. *Wow you survived you must of had the good cancer!* Believe me there is no good cancer.

Cancer is cancer anyway you look at it.

The thing is I have visited Planet Cancer and Your2Young for this. I love everything about both as well as a few other sites I have found. I also travel many blogs of those with similar cancer as mine. The insite there is incrediable. But I will say its not anything I haven't felt.

As I sit here to day, I am a woman , a wife ,a mom, a newer grandma, and so much more. I am far from old and geratrics. I am active as I can be and as well as I can be for a woman with cancer for my age. But to just assume all people are old of mind and body over 40. I will still deal with cancer forever. Surviving is the tough part and dealing with the day to day issues its tough.

I admit... that maybe all social ages need groups. But so we lump 40 up to 105 and think thats okay. How in the world is that right?? It blows my mind.

Anyways thats just food for thought. If your younger with cancer. I am sorry you have it and have to deal with it. But I also think at any age its really hard just different things to do with. I am in the throws of my husband retiring. young. Kids in college, Weddings and new Grandbabies. Yes I have experienced lots of life. But having cancer with a pre teen &teens in the house was a tough deal as well. Forty is the age of parenting so much more. And yes I couldn't have another child either. That was tough but I was thankful as well for those given to me. But still today at fifty three I don't fit in the geriatric area either. Old Fart maybe but ancient never. So many elderly Americans living life with cancer and many things. But looking at the physio social relms of cancer lumping us in one group is strickly wrong .

So Old Fart maybe age wise to the younger set. But from where I sit I am in the middle which is fine with me. That just means I can touch anyone and everyone with cancer. In hopes of giving them hope.

As for the person who made the remake I would never understand at his age. That I had my life already at forty two. That is just plain silly. Cancer sucks at any age. No age is any different. I don't think living life with it is easy at any age. Thats just my take.

The thought I have at any age is make it the best day possible that we have everyday.

The other thing is that: Tomorrow any of us could step outside and get hit by a bus!* Young or old it can happen to anyone.

As for cancer I hate it. I hate that any age gets it and it could be anyone I love as well. It just stinks all of it.

Anyways just food for thought.
Will post later today. I have not felt that great today. So I am off to rest.

Hugs and Prayers
Always Hope

Bush Signs the Pediatric Cancer Bill

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 22:03:50 GMT

I wanted to post this yesterday. But I never got a chance to . Something many of us have been working towards for a very long time.
Blood cancers are the leading cause of death of children under the age of 20. Knowing other Kid's with other kinds of cancers as well. I am so happy to know finally its a step in the right direction for the Kids!!

Bush signs pediatric cancer bill named for Rep.Pryce's daughterTuesday, July 29, 2008 By Jonathan Riskin
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCHWASHINGTON -- They've been in a tough fight with avicious disease, but two little girls from central Ohio emerged from the Oval Office and walked out onto the driveway outside the White House this morning with wide grins, official pins andpresidential words of encouragement.
Hannah Lewis, 7, of Reynoldsburg and Eden Adams, 8,of New Albany, who became friends as they underwent cancer treatment at Nationwide Children's Hospitalin Columbus, were among those on hand to watch President Bush sign a pediatric cancer bill into law.
The Caroline Pryce Walker Conquer Childhood CancerAct was crafted by Rep. Deborah Pryce, R-UpperArlington, and named by lawmakers after her daughter, who died in 1999 after battling neuroblastoma.B
oth Hannah and Eden used the same word to describe meeting the president and first lady, being given presents and a tour of the Oval Office: "Cool."The signing ceremony was not open to the press aside from still photographers, but Hannah's mother,Jessica Lewis, said Bush told the families that he knew "we were going through a tough time and wished us the best."
Jessica Lewis and Eden's father, Rourke Adams, said they hope the next step after President Bush's signature will be for Congress to approve spending the first $30 million installment this year of what the law calls for: $150 million over five years for such initiatives as expanded pediatric cancer research and a national childhood cancer database.
The single parents saw their friendship at Nationwide Children's Hospital, which paid for the families to attend the White House signing ceremony,blossom into a relationship."This is something we deal with every day," RourkeAdams said about having a child who is battling cancer. Adams said it is his hope that a fully funded cancer database will in future years give researchers more information about why children develop cancer.
After the signing ceremony, Pryce said shewas "delighted" to see her legislation enacted.The president and first lady spent a lot of time with the children and families - including Hannah's five-year-old brother, Duncan, and Eden's brother Riley, 14 - before Bush wielded his signing pen,Pryce said. Bush lost his three-year-old sister Robin to leukemia in 1953 and Bush told Pryce he is looking forward to telling his parents that he gott o sign the pediatric cancer bill into law, thec ongresswoman added."This is a great step forward," Pryce said. "We have been waiting for this day for years now."

Long term effects...

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:20:00 GMT

Last year in August I wrote about taking that fall as well as messing up my ankle and all of that. When I finished pt in January I was given a order from my internist to go get a new Bone Density Test done. I set the order aside and over the weekend realized I never had the test done. Not like me at all. But considering what this year has been like, any thing could of happened to it lol
Anyways I did ask for a new order from the doctor yesterday. I will call first thing on that tomorrow. But the thought its osteo porsis due to the one unexplained fracture and a few other things going on recently. So that needs doing soon. (Gotta love that you get treatment for things you need to address right away and here is another one of the long term effects starring us in the face.)
So thats that.

I am on my way to go pick up may Daughter and her little One. Thats what I am focusing on these days. Family and enjoying being well as I can be for now.

Have a great day Everyone. Its sure a Beauty.
Hugs, Always Hope

This Space

Sun, 25 May 2008 05:11:38 GMT

I have not been writing lately. My be its spring fever.

One thing I know is that sometimes people come here and for the wrong reasons. IT happens through out the spaces at times. People post things and people think its okay to just take them. I am happy they like things that much but as of today. I will not be posting as I use to. Or I maybe going to Friends only for a while. I have not decided yet.

I have been re thinking my space. And where I want to go with it recently. Amazing to night I noticed my stats going balistic all of a sudden. I am not hell bent on who
comes daily. But today I was here and I kept seeing it change every few minutes a new entry in the stats. Thats great. But no comments once again. I love comments I don't care if its one word , a book or whatever.

Just stop in and say hello...or leave your mark in my guest book.

On being and feeling different.

Fri, 02 May 2008 20:26:32 GMT

As anyone knows being diagnosed with cancer...surviving means kicking its butt and getting through treatment. Thats never an easy thing

Recently I realized that what makes me different, however it doesn't define who I am. I am very different in so many aspects.

Being a patient you must deal with physical , emotional, mental, social, spiritual, and financial fallout of what cancer brings.

In understanding that . You never go back to where you were prior to cancer. One thing I am working on is this new normal. Its often liberating, however
there are just so many things long term things to deal with on a regular basis. So many things to stay on top of health wise. All things that did not
come up before.

The other thing is how others react friends and extended family that keep saying. *Get over it. Its over!* Or if I bring something up pertaining to it. Its a mute subject where stable and remission means for many its over. Done with and behind you.

Not!! The period of treatment for my disease was life altering and had its very unique issues that some clearly never wanted to know about. Now the period after treatment poses its own unique issues to. There is no road map as a cancer survivor. None zip dona. No book on how you cope or how life happens. Each survivor has a mix bag of tricks to deal with After the fact. ( I am learning is you look normal people assume you are.)

There is just so much that makes me different then others. If I can get through this I can get through anything. Its so hard to explain it to those who have not had it. When cancer resides in you. It is so different I can't even put in to words. I have family that had it and those who have died from it. This was me though and that is so different .Being a patient isn't the same..though similar not the same as a caregiver. So many different things to deal with on different levels.

The one thing I feel though and I am honest on this . There is a loneliness that comes with cancer.. I feel so different now. Eleven years ago just about I embarked on a life of dealing with my own cancer. I was really secure in my own way of life at that time. My husband and kids walked this walk closely. But others were kinda were stand offish. If thats the right word to use. Some were family to and still do not want to talk about it. The scariest thing was what would my future hold, who would hang around and stay supportive. Not talking about won't change it or make it go away.

Now I feel like I am slowly coming in to a new comfort zone...its been a rocky road back. Filled with so many things to consider. Everything based on who I am doing or feeling. I hate it. Although in someways that is easing up a bit lately in some ways.

One of the hardest things for me has been on completing treatment and regrouping from it. Is that the average person or maybe observer does not understand or recognize what its really like. Or the stress of it. How could they? I learned to keep things like my fears and anxieties to my self, or the stress I was feeling. If I said anything...there was a risk of sounding ungrateful or depressed. I still find some people a few....still just can't and won't try to understand that. Cancer is a very personal challenge for each survivor. No two situations are the same. It is and will be for most a very lonely time as they work through it.

So yes in so many aspects I am in so different.

Not a bad thing from where I sit.

Always Hope

Sometime People Are So ......

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 05:06:12 GMT

The last few days I have seen just how rotten some people will sink to make themselves look good. Why am I not surprised that this to can happen
in support rooms? It does and there isn't much you can do about it. However to sit and take a persons attitude cause they are bitter with life??

Well thats not happening! You can only do so much.

Tonight I am sad by how others in this world become like stone. Its like other human life means nothing they don't give a dam who gets in their way.
They just want power, thats it they don't care who that hurts.

I have realized it takes all kinds. I can't change people either. Its really sad but one day the stone will crumble and it will be to late.

I promised myself with cancer if I lived through it.I would help others as long as my feet were here on earth. I am now praying for direction on this.I hate to see people hurt over stupid stuff and judging of situations. Don't get me wrong we get those who fake cancer. Yes you read that right. But who am I to judge them?? IF I was wrong I would feel horrible. So I can't its been done to me.
Right now I am so disappointed in others actions in a place that is suppose to support and care for those with cancer. This attitude going around is far worse then the disease we call cancer.

Dam there are some really great people to. but a few bad one really mess things up. For those in need.

I got some soul searching to do on this.

I am off to comtemplete my next move...moving on from cancer.

hugs and prayers, Always Hope

I hate that!

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 11:52:22 GMT

Dam I hate that. Being up all night!! I couldn't sleep and its not like I didn't try! Five hours or watching the clock so I said forget it and got up. Yup I did !!
I guess my mind was on over drive. I won't be sorry about that or my last post either.
Anyways yesterday was a nice day. I slept in till late and got up goofed off ...yes I did. Then Hubby and I took a drive to the lake. We have this one marina by us,
called Jefferson Beach. Actually they claim its the Yacht Club. Well it is but its not like what it was when I was a kid growing up.
There are huge boats docked there many different kinds. Most people unless you grew up near by don't know you can drive in park and sit by the lake. Its so relaxing. You can hear the waves coming in and its just a really quiet place.
Then we drove over to the local park and took a walk and just talked. However whats really on my mind is a tough deal to talk about. So I won't. I wrapped it and put it at God's feet.
So now it and whats really eating me is in His hands to work on. I have great faith He can and will work it out for the better good.

Anyways the birds are singing the sun is coming up over the houses and I am blessed with this new day. Gosh I am one lucky person.
Have a great day everyone. I am off to grab a shower and get dressed . I am spending the morning with my Grand baby. And I need to get ready for some heavy duty spoiling.

Hugs and Prayers. Always Hope

Red Tape And Fighting Through It. UPDATE!

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:43:42 GMT

Late this afternoon I checked the mail. I was looking for a letter from my PCP. My Internal Medicine Doctor.
Most of the time he is at the hospital. So I see his P.A. Who I like as well as I like him. I have a feeling there
was a big discussion about my case.

The letter simply reads and is simply states as this:

* Patient needs oral surgery due the effects of Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma and without the surgery it
could detrimentally affect her health. She has decay due to the prior effects of treatment of
Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.*

Of course there were other things included. But I wanted to share that I was able to get the letter that was
needed to get a start on the proper care needed.

Yay!!! So yup sometimes all you gotta do is fight for the rights you have!! That means just asking!

I am off to celebrate another small victory....for the gipper! Lol

Sun is setting I am off.
Always Hope

Spring Cleaning

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 19:20:54 GMT

Its another beautiful spring day here. I decided to go out and clean up the patio. Tear down the old morning glory vines off the rod iron on the patio awning . Then sweep up the leaves and mess left from the winter.

I cleaned up all the old hanging baskets. Cleared them off the patio. I will fill them with flowers when I know this warm weather is going to stay.

After I had it all swept up Hubby came out to help with the rest. He washed down all the chairs . Then the table as well .. We hit the table with a few rounds of glass spray and its good as new. I came in got all the pillows and put them out on the chairs. Hung all the wind chimes As well as all of the lanterns filled citronella candles. Then hung our small
but tired looking American Flag out there to. I plan on getting another one when it gets warmer out.
Then our favorite thing. We have a bon fire pit with a cover. We also have wood. So we set it up with wood in it so its ready to go. After all its spring its the perfect time for a bon
fire!!

It was just nice to get outside. Plus Hubby loves to sit out there and drink his coffee when its nice out. So as much as he enjoys it. Now he can go out and enjoy the early mornings out there.

I love it out there because its like a spare room an extension of our home.

I came in and thought now I really need to clean out the tracks of the patio door, then hit the glass with some spray and clean that up. So when its nice I can open that door right to the patio. Then hit the small window over the sink as well and it will be done. Clean for a bit.

I am getting rid of the old ugly blinds anyways and putting up plain curtains . Its on the north side of the house so I want to let in more light in Kitchen. Besides I hate these blinds. They came with the house and we need a change. Plus I hate cleaning these things lol They get so dusty and gross. That I just would like them gone!!

So tomorrow is another day for more. I decided to come back in take a rest for a bit and watch HGTV for bit.

Plan going out later and relaxing out there:)

Have a great day!!!

Always Hope

Red tape and fighting through it.

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 17:29:45 GMT

Please bear with me this isn't a vent just part of my journey related to my cancer ..as I am walking it

One thing I have learned in this world if you really need to get something done for yourself medically and dental wise. You gotta go out and fight to get it done. A while back I brought up all the dental stuff I need done. The hassles and headaches that come with it.
I saw my dentist who is turning out to be someone who is dropping my case like a hot potatoe. He say's he is no expert on things to do with cancer and how they affect me. But then when it comes down to it he is no expert on saliva or lack of due to my surgery. Nor is he a oral surgeon . Nor did he tell me I had tmj and jaw issues either. Now this is a dentist I have had for 30 yrs. Seems to me if he isn't a expert on oral health and my teeth why go to him!

Then I go to the oral maxillo surgeon . Who agrees that I need the surgery . However he is no sure of how I will heal and is concerned why my teeth are decaying not at the root mind you just crumbling to bits. Not normal and to be honest nasty to see happening and as for functioning teeth they are not. So we drew up a plan to get it done. At 720.oo buckroos a pop for 2 teeth and sedation and no dental insurance to cover it. That is just two teeth and i need at least 9 possibly 10 done. Plus is this possible over three surgeries and the healing included.
HMMM...

Ok go back a few weeks ...lol The other part of the story. I did the antibiotic treatment for the orginal abcess. Aka Pen VK a high dose. Which turn gave me a yeast infection else where. In two places orally(given Nystatin) and the other place. So I did the right thing got meds for that. In turn. I got a Urinary Tract Infection (given high dose of Bactrim to kick it). OH JOY. So not only was I on three antibodics. But all of this dental stuff affected my general health. Light bulb goes off LOL Heck yes it is affecting my general over all health at this point.

I let the dentist know. And saw my Primary Care Doc. Who said ....this is just a vicious cycle. ( this doesn't include my er copay , office copays and oh yeah the three scripts I got either or the meds from the dentist and fees or the oral surgeon fees)
Of course it is. But tell the Dental Community that!! They do not want to hear it. As well as my blood pressure was to the moon due the stress . Well why the heck not?
So things are on hold till my general health is straight!!!

And the dental community isn't happy. Now how about that! Hey I am only the patient in the middle three communities here. General Medicine, Oncology and Dental. I thought they were doctors to...oh my! We address them as such.

Last week I got mad and called United Way. I told them my situation and they offered me community outreach numbers including Dental Discount programs for my county. The also offered other things in my behalf. So I am not taking this laying down.

My Primary Care Doc. Also wrote a letter and mailed it to me today stating info and proof on my disease and treatment that it could cause dental problems and oral problems as well. So I can summit to those who would like to help. To by pass my Dentist and the Oral Surgeon. After all he is the one who helps me take care of my total health. I have also requested all kinds of letters from my docs on this issue. I also am writing to the AMA about the lack of care for Cancer Patients when it comes to dental. The cost is insane and if your paying for a catastropic and chronic disease care. How can you afford dental if you have no dental insurance. Its not that I don't want the care or insurance its not there due to income. Which by the way are not poverty level but close to it the way it looks by programs out there. (I am also upset at the cost for kids and senior to...heck everyone for that matter . The cost are not for everyone here)

Dental care is something you can't put a band aide on and it get better. So I am out here fighting for more for those in need. There are things out there no one tells you there are. I have searched and searched. So more later on this.( I mean heck if you had a cut and infection on your arm would you let it go. Same principle for oral and dental health)

This isn't about a hand out folks this about a hand up to those who have major medical bills already. Believe me this is tough having to gravel to get this done and get blown off cause...someone wants the big bucks. After all this is all about money not the low income patient receiving proper and correct care.

My oral surgeon, although he is a great surgeon and has worked on me before. One of the best in the state. Doesn't care to know about programs that help people in my situation. However he is the doc who over sees the dental school residents. So how do I burn the bridge since that is my second opinion. And cost wise its more effective. But surgery in my case by a resident..not sure its the right way to go.

What the hell! Cost effective I want the job done right and my health is at risk here!!

So you its stress full and a ton of red tape to fight through to get the job done .

In the mean time I gotta hear stuff like this and that will not work for you for re- storitive afterwards. Now that really bugs me to am I really going to get this work done if they don't have a plan of after the fact. I do like the teeth I have. Having them pulled renders my cosmetic partial in front from my second surgery not usable. Eating a problem and speech to. So as for functioning . I gotta think about this to. And all my other surgery and the healing as well. A big deal. Plus I have already had facial and nerve reconstruction. My concern is if I have no dentures then what will that damage all this work already done. Seems to me no teeth that changes your facial stucture and muscle support. I need answers here. OMG.

So just a lot to consider and not jumping in to it without a education first on whats happening. Not a wise thing to do.

So this isn't a vent....Just a part of the journey I am dealing with. Saying it writing helps me go through the process. But the red tape and bs in the process really upsets me to no end. The lack of patient care and comfort in the dental arena right now stinks. So with that said I m in to advocating for myself in that area. If it takes stepping it up to do so. I am so there!!!

Not something I have not done in the past. Not something I won't do in the future.

I am off I hear a garden calling my name and that helps my bp just like the nature walks of the past few days.

later...Hugs and Prayers Hope.

Time past and future. Always gives us the present.:)

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 23:46:23 GMT

Whew we have been having some incredible weather here. Today we took drive out to the lake and metro park. We decides to pick up a foot long sub sandwich on the way and split it. Of course many others got a good case of spring fever as well. Its that time of year.

Going there always gives me time to reflect. That is a good thing to. It also takes me back to the world around us and what God offers us in nature.
I think we really need that at times. Just to relax and regroup.

It got me to thinking about so many things. It got me to thinking about the last ten years and how we got catapulted in to unchartered territory.
The land of so many things we never expected. We were parents of teens and parents dealing with a life threatening and altering chronic illness.
During that time we lost my husbands, Father and became caregiver and taker of his Mom. My Mom was ill and in the hospital as well. All of this on top of things under our own roof.
The our our Oldest Moved out. Our youngest went to college. Our Daughter Married our Son in Law. We became empty nesters. For a short time.
Then we became Grandparents. Our oldest Son moved back home.
Then his Mom was ill and is better now. and aging As are my Folks. So the care is on and off but more constant.
So we seem sandwiched in between our Kids , our Grandchild and our Folks right now. Not a bad thing . Just time is flying by.
We also have experienced after the fast pace life of the schedule of a fire fighter and working on that kind of schedule for all these years. What its like to retire.
So a lots of adjustments going on. But thats okay life is always changing.

Today I found myself thinking oh my gosh we are retired. We can do what we want when we want. I have to keep reminding me...Oh yeah he is here and I get to enjoy Him. So this is really something I never thought I would get to enjoy so a really big blessing. As we were walking through
the nature center today. He pointed out a young doe. a white tail deer. He is keen like that and he loves nature. So its really nice to be able after this years experience with my foot and rehab. To be able to get out there and walk when I feel up to it.

So I am up for act 2 and whatever life has to offer!!

I am off. Got some things I need to do.

Hugs and Prayers Hope

P.S. We had a great weekend. Youngest Son came in late Friday from School. We had a few hours with all our Kids and Grandbaby on Saturday. That was great. I miss the youngest Son. He will be home in two weeks for the summer break. So looking forward to him coming home. He provides a ton of comic relief around here. So lots to do. around here.

Pictures hold that memory.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 18:15:03 GMT

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. For the longest time due to being sick. My life has become that of a life of many friends that are also sick or medical professionals.
That I have met along this journey. I have so many pictures of those I know and those who cared for me. Those that fully supported me through my journey.

Today I ran across a bunch of pictures that I had put away from a Get Together with some friends from a Cancer Chat. We all met up in Springfield Illinois. We had a lunch and it was a great day. This was the day I met Judy and others for the first time. We had talked and talked prior to that. So meeting in person was a wonderful thing. I still think about that day and know going was a great thing for me and the others.

Lately due to Judy passing away. I really miss our daily chatter about life in general. We use to sometimes go online several times of day if not in the chat..on yahoo messenger.
Just to kick back and talk. I really didn't realize just how close we had become till she went in to the Stem Transplant situation. That was crunch time and thats when we knew
we were so close more like sisters as well as friends.

Today I found this one picture that made me laugh....and that was needed at the time. Judy and I both hated Vegemite...lol We have friends from Australia and that was always a joke. I am not eating that crap or smelling it. In this picture she is holding the jar up for proof that she brought to this local Get Together for them to see. We had so many laughs and jokes about that darn Vegemite . I am so glad I want that day . It was just one of those trips I won't forget for a long time.

Sometimes people are so angry due to cancer..they don't see the privileges that come with it. For sure me going to meet Judy and the others, was one privilege I had. Some never met her and for that I just feel sad for those who didn't. But the pleasure of meeting her...was all mine as well as the privilege.

Grief seems to hit me in waves. Pain and sadness comes and goes as it chooses it seems. Sometimes things hit me and I am just sad and thats okay to. Sometimes I stuff down the feelings and tuck them away. I am often struck when I think of her, her joy for living and celebrating life every second of it. It reminds me its okay to be sad ,to grieve,
but not to miss out on the joy of remembering.

I am off to enjoy the wonderful Michigan Weather. Tons of sunshine and blue sky.

Make it a great day. Embrace the gift you have before you.
Hugs and Prayers , Always Hope

My Chaos...My Bliss.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:13:28 GMT

No words today...amazing how can there be so much chaos in ones life. Maybe thats what brings the bliss, and happiness...Amazing!

Always Hope

Having Enough In This Have It All World

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 02:59:23 GMT

The last few weeks have been pretty tough and interesting as well. I am in awe at how so many all they care about is money to have it all. Nothing more nothing less. It doesn't matter what it takes or who they climb over to *Have it all.* Just they have to have it.
Something struck me about an old friend to on how he has become. No talking about his faith his family wife and kids. Just that I gotta have!! Staus
and the almighty dollar. Sad really cause the rest he is on the verge or loosing those who love him deeply
I didn't know what to say cause he use to be such a great person in his caring for others. Now its like ...if I don't talk that leaves me blind to it and I am not accountable.
When is it going to stop?

I have enough I am content.

Hugs and Prayers .Always Hope.

Prayers for Tricia Nate..and baby Gwyneth.

Stand still

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 01:45:30 GMT

For right now things are at a stand still for oral surgery. I need to iron somethings out and get rid of this infection in my gums..and then we will do surgery. However it isn't at this point going to be nine teeth at once. It will be the ones that are the biggest issue first. Then when we see how that heals then we will move to the next step.

One thing is I can't a thing nailed down with the dental community on if they feel its due to treatment and my disease. Which they say it but putting on paper to those who would help us out. Was a no go today.

Caroldee and Beth thanks for the support. I really stress out on dental stuff it makes me cringe the thought of it. This a really good surgeon however I don't see with all my records how they can sit there and not agree that part of this is due to treatment . Cause these are not problems I had prior to cancer. These are all issues that happened after. So long term things that no one will say much about.

So I was really disappointed today and with no dental. We are talking 720.00 for removal and simple sadation not a general. So if thats the coast for two. you can imagine the cost for nine. So nothing will fast..and everything done has to have a blood test from my oncologist so more cost.

So thats that. I am very frustrated after yesterday...and if this surgeon who is a specialist doesn't have the expertise to say that who does? So I found it very frustrating. I need to think of the cost of...other things to and they are not thinking about that ..Just the one surgery. To put it perspective to have two teeth out...and sadation....thats one house payment to my mortgage. So re thinking rewinding and regrouping and will be addressing those who said they will help with the cost...maybe with a letter from my oncologist , radiation oncologist and surgeon it may help not sure.

Like I need all this headache.. its just nuts. But gotta avolcate for myself or nothing gets done it seems.

I need to regroup for the night and get some rest. always Hope

Hmmm....I am off..

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 16:59:54 GMT

Well I am off to the the oral and maxillofacial surgeon. Oh Joy!!! Not! Oh did I say I hate any thing to do with dentists LOL
More when I get the info to share.

Always Hope

Sighs.....

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 23:43:20 GMT

All I can say is...some medical and dental professionals really need to watch what they say in ear shot of patients. If its not nice just don't say it.
Today I realized that, we all have bad days. But if its not your expertise be man enough to man up and say so. Don't make the patient look bad cause you don't have the people skills enough to say so. Its not hurting my feelings for you to say I am not sure but will find someone who knows. IT just tells me you are human and need help. After all isn't that why I am coming to you in the first place.
The other thing is * do no harm.* Stupid remarks do just that.

Anyways Tomorrow is the day for Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon'sl exam and consult on all this business. I am concerned about it but not worried. I am ready with my history and hopefully we will iron some things out. My kids have seen him and he is very good.

Today my regular dentist today we are on the outs. He tells me one thing and won't back what he said on paper. How is that right? Last week he would but when it came down to it today he will not. Telling me its not his expertise. Not at all like him to be so rude and calculating as he was.
Bad day maybe.

So with that all said...looks like when all is said and done....I will be in the market for a new dentist.

I hate going to the dentist ..I have seen this guy since I was 16 so maybe he is just getting old and crabby. I hope thats all its a shame to I really use to trust his judgement. Now I am not so sure and my thoughts are up in the air.

Sighs

Okay enough thinking I am off to find chocolate

Always Hope

Wise Words

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:09:07 GMT

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good."

Author Unknown

Just a Quote

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 19:06:45 GMT

*Out of difficulties
grow miracles.*
Jean De La Bruyere

I'm dreaming of a white Easter!!!

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 02:30:07 GMT

Oh my gosh! Two days till Easter typical for March you never know how its going to be!!
I went have tons of sunflowers of course fake ones scattered around the house.
So I took one and threw it in the snow on the drive way for proof.
Snapped a fast picture , and you can see its snowing by the white flecks in the picture.
I heard something about a winter advisory and I have no clue how much.
Really I don't care . LOL

I have everyone coming here tomorrow. Both Hubby and I felt like crud when we woke up..partly the pending weather I think.
We ran around here cleaning things to make sure thing were pretty much finished.
Then all that needs to be done is the cooking. The fun part.

Well I am off to relax . Good college hockey on tonight.
Think I will wrap up with a quilt and have a cuppa hot chocolate.
Have a good night.
Hugs and Prayers,
Always Hope

That's Life

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:59:14 GMT

Moving on from yesterday.
This morning I got up with a killer headache. I felt really horrid. I got up and moving around. Lots to do. Can't believe its Easter already!
I started cleaning the front room. Dusting all of that. I got to thinking how when I was a kid. my Mom and Dad had this one wall of shelfs. Problay why I still hate them till this day!!
My Mom use to refer to them as Purgatory( temporary punishment) Row. Yup I was brought up in a very Catholic Home.
Every week my Mom would choose who she feel deserved needed to do the dusting on Purgatory Row. It was pictures kic nacs..and everything under the sun up there. Every thing on there needed dusting. And it was up and down on a step ladder to get it done.
It made you thing about being rotten.
Today I was thinking darn the kids are gone I gotta dust myself...LOL I hate dusting most of all.
But it has to be done. So I did it. Now its on to cleaning this desk off.
All the nooks and crannies that are in this hutch, and I need to sort through some paper work.
I also think I will pack up some of my books and take them to the used book store or have a book sale. Gosh we have so many books its insane!
The Kids will be here on Saturday we will celebrate then.

I want to feel better by tomorrow . My youngest Son is coming in with his girlfriend for the weekend.
He turns 22 tomorrow. I need to get to the store and get some Lemon Bismarks. Which I will turn into his birthday..cake. I know that sounds weird but it can be done lol
So thats my day.

Hubby has already done all the shopping so...that was a huge help.
If I can get the energy up to finish up this room and the bathroom. We are doing really good!!

Its a beautiful day here in Michigan . The sun is shining blue skies. This morning I heard the birds singing for the first time. Then I know spring is coming soon cause the Doves were searching out the hanging basket for a nest.
I can't wait for the warmer weather and to be able to open this house up.

I am off. I am off to find the pledge...I swear..the older I get I forget where I put things.

Have a great day everyone.
Hugs and Prayers
Always, Hope

Lymphoma verses head and neck issues.#1

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 17:24:10 GMT

This might be a long post that may pertain. Its not really a rant or a vent. But has a lot to do with what I am going through. When I was first dxed with lymphoma my where the I presented was very rare. The Parotid Gland. Most don't know what that is and or where it is. Its the main salivary gland rests in front of the ear. It looks like a triangle kinda. And supplies you with the saliva a much needed thing for dental health.
This part of the journey so bear with me. Back in August of 97 they made the choice to go in there and see what was going on. My surgeon was on the money to say that..one there was a problem Parotid Gland wise. However was it Parotid Gland Cancer or was it Lymphoma. Just which he was not sure. Regardless there had to be a biopsy and a pathology report made to find that out.
To show how rare this is only one to three percent of all lymphomas would be there. And Parotid tumors are not normally cancer..few maybe but others are simply bengin tumors not cancer.
So how did I luck out?
Anyways, here nor there. I have lymphoma but all the issues of a Head and Neck Cancer. But cause I am lymphoma. Non Hodgkins a meriot of diseases that affect the blood. They don't quite know what to make of things right now.
Here is my thought as the patient.
1. Yes I have nhl and that is a blood cancer. But hey it can travel any where in the blood system goes any place. This means organs glands and aka any where.
2. Yes I know I have lymphoma. Considering I have had a Parotidectomy meaning removing that area and lymph nodes around it. Reconstruction of my face and nerves. That justifies..Head and Neck surgery.
3.Because of this surgery. I now am a person that doesn't make saliva. A big deal for maintaining your dental health. So that would affect my teeth which to me means. This a medical thing that happened not only from this surgery. But pushed forward due to radiation of the head.
This has a medical name xeostomia. The Parotid Gland due to the problems isn't producing saliva..or spit(sorry) as it should.
4.This is all a big deal. This means further consults with a Oral Maxillofacial Surgeon. Due to my disease and defects to my teeth and oral care.
I wouldn't just see a regular oral surgeon that would be stupid due to all the issues I have. (wake up people)

The other huge issue I have is why isn't dental care looked at when you are first told you have cancer. I don't mean just a check up. But things to promote care and saving your teeth. This has always bugged me and still right now does.
They all are seeing me as a lymphoma that is doing well. However they are not seeing that an infection in your mouth is as bad as a infection in your arm. I can't ignore it nor will I. The deal is to remove nine teeth and thats fine. But if I have a medical problem that is causing that. Then that is medical covered by medical not dental. And I do not have dental right now.
People need to wake up and realize that a head and neck doc that deals in these things all the time, might be the route to go to give me the help I need. Instead they shift me to this.
1. I saw my dentist. who said yes. the lack of having saliva is a big issue for you. And the treatements as well including chemo and rads.
2. I need to see by his request and oral maxillofacial surgeon. To get his opionion.
3. By request of my Oncologists...Ugh. A second opinon after that is warrented by the U of Detroit Dental School. Then I call the Oncologists back with that info. Then we go from there. Complications that are due to the head and neck issues that revert back to the lymphoma.
Which all takes time. <Sighs!>

Okay so am I miffed? Okay this all seems to be over the heads of my doctors. They want me to get the right care...However they are throwing me to the lions cause I am the patient. The have put me in the position that they all hate. Avolcating for me myself and I. Yeah they hate it. They hate that I am educated in my disease. But more so that they do not know how to answer all the educated questions I am asking.
Hello....send me for a consult with head and neck docs. But no that is to simple. I am betting that is one question I get from the Dentists on why I haven't talked to one about all of this in the first place. Its common sense. Cancer in the head. No matter what type see a head and neck specialist. But no even prior to my dx. They blaked at that and I got the help of a plastics/micro surgeon. Thats how they found It. Cause I was ticked no one would look further. Avolcating for me isn't a new thing. It goes right back to finding the lymphoma in the first place. That was me pushing them to get off their butts..and lets get to work.
So I don't know here I sit and I am frustrated as hell. Cause I feel they have put me in this place. I have phone calls in to everyone. I just need some calls back. To find out when I can get in and have these consults. There is a small window of oppertunity here when my blood work is stable and clean to get this all achomplished and they need to really get a move on.
The other thing I might add, to a normal everyday person. Dental as I recall is a headache and hassle. But for those of us with cancer even in remission there is so much to deal with. I hate getting these things done. However know it has to be taken care of and my health is at risk having this dam infection in there. though treated not a good thing.
So thats it for today. Thats kinda where I stand. I am a Lymphoma cancer wise. But the Medical Community really needs to get with the program and realize I am also a patient with true head and neck cancer needs. I mean really what does it take to get with the program and understand my needs are different due to this massive surgery , rads to the head and other treatment.
My Life has changed a lot due to these issues. So I just wish for once that the doctors..not nurses and or social workers. Would listen really listen and understand clearly that my needs are totally different due to those reasons.
Okay thats my thoughts for today.

I am grateful...to be well enough to consider this surgery.
But praying I say strong enough to find the right solutions here as well.
Always Hope.

Ps. Beautiful sunny day here in Michigan. Sun YAY!!!!!!!

LIfe goes on....

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 18:58:14 GMT

Life goes on? Yes it does.
Time is a great healer? Sometimes yes.
The longer I am in remission the easier it gets? Maybe in some ways.
Lately I have been burying my life in that of others. Hoping I don't have to constantly think about cancer.
It works sometimes. But then it happens, a cough, a headache, bone aches and I am thinking crap its back.
Sometimes being confident and positive fails.
No explaining it . IT just does.

I have placed all kinds of safety nets out there to double check things...I am alive and doing okay.
But I don't want to know much about it right now. I am sick of all exams that relate right back to the what ifs or it could be the cancer again. I hate it. I am sick of doctors who say. It could be back..looking out for me but scaring us to death in the process.
(Don't get me wrong I know they are doing the job they are paid to do!)
I wish I was nieve or ignorant to all of it as before cancer.

Its all overwhelming at times..I know my body, Heck I am the one who found it..when the doctors were laxed I pushed to get them to notice.
But when does it stop?

Just when I put it in the back of my mind. There is a calendar that reminds me there is some appointment to deal with it again.
This thing taunts and stalks to the core of my being. That part stinks big time. No other words for it.
I admit it . I don't like being afraid that it can come back. I hate the fact.

So what else can you do?
Soon I will get my port out. I am not sure thats the right road to take. I know how it was getting it in.
And its process I am not looking forward to but it needs doing. So if this crap comes back I would have to do this process again to get treatment.
So that bugs me ..if it anien't broke why mess with it.

So all I can do is take it one day at time and be honest with myself.
Its hard process that is being put in Gods Hands. Cause it can sure drive you nuts if you let it.
Besides that its hard to be strong every second with this. No one can be..God is big enough to handle it..I sure can't do it alone.
I guess I just don't want to get thought this...maybe I am looking for growth in the process.
Some how thats how I feel.
Yup it can come back but till it does I am off making a life and lots of memories.
Go out and make it a great day...I know I am off to do so.
Hugs and Prayers ...Always Hope

I am grateful for: Chocolate Chip Cookies & fresh milk and someone I love to share that with...ahh how great is that!

Life..is good

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 06:00:53 GMT

Yesterday I just kinda goofed off. Thats always good for the soul. I have been just overwhelmed with all the therapy and I am so glad thats over with. I finally feel human again after everyone not feeling well around here.
Today we made a trip over to the local chapter of the Leukemia Lymphoma Society. Needed to find out more on Light The Night. I have been silently preparing for Oct. Debating what things I want to do and knowing what didn't work the last year.
Then we went to Chilli's for lunch. Talked to our friend Linda who works there, I always enjoy here kind nature and her jokes.
We came back here and I just did some cleaning and went through some art stuff.
Debating on somethings to do in the near future art and photography wise.

I am off for some sleep. I am really tired tonight.
Hugs and Prayers Always Hope

Swedish Proverb

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 23:17:51 GMT

Fear less,Hope more;

Whine less,Breathe more;

Talk less,say more;

Hate less,Love more;

And all good things are yours-Swedish Proverb

This is how it is. To read or not to read thats up to you.

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:32:05 GMT

Boy its amazing how some people are.
I was talking to a few people earlier who also have cancer.
Some much older then myself.
Some how I don't fit the mold female and getting cancer at age 42.
Hello...children get cancer and so do young people.
I am to old to be a young adult survivor which means I have to be under 40.
And to young to fit in with those over 60.
Each age group has a different set of circumstanced when dealing with cancer.
Frankly I remember being a young Mom with kids. Trying to figure out for two years what was wrong. Had a doc looked at me and said cancer right a way I would of been 40 or younger by my blood work.
I see a set of issues for children, teens, young adults 20 to 30, And then so on and so on.
Like me I was a mom raising an 11, 13 and 15 yr old. Most of the time I really didn't get much down time to think about what was going on with me.
It was tough. I wasn't old. by a long shot. I remember sleeping when they were at school. The school I worked at prior to cancer. Trying to get things done with my Husbands help when he was home. IT was really tough at times.
But old no I don't think age 42 is old.
To be honest I didn't fit I was to old to be with the young crowd and to young to be with the old crowd.
I simply didn't fit in.
Then the other thing I was a stage 4 cancer and I survived. Amazingly I got remission more then once. Awesome.
But some see that as a cure. It isn't not with my disease. Not so with many cancers.
The thing is no one really thinks about things less its they deal with cancer at a much younger age the staggering cost of health and a chronic disease such as this is.
I will be dealing with this the rest of my life. As will many people my age and much younger.
Today I was talking to a young man who is 27 and has leukemia.
It amazes me this kid..has had cancer since he was 15. Think about that. He is in what seems like constant treatment no cure in site.
At what point is enough enough. I am sure in his eyes its to much at certain times. To his family what they witness and share I am sure its overwhelming. But even in a good remission ..constant reminders of constant long term effects for treatment and disease.
Hit. and constant health care.
At what cost?
It boggles the mind it really does.

Cure there is not cure for cancer. Yes there are working on cures...but for now.Best we can hope for is Remission.
I'll take it. I am a survivor. I don't care what age you are Surviving works.
When it comes to cancer I don't think its an age thing. IT knows no boundries young middle age. older elderly. IT stinks.

Sometimes it just ticks me off the things I have seen and some think I don't know a darn thing about it.
Cancer isn't pretty folks. It scares the stuffing outta most.
It took away some things I am just regaining. Its taken me a long time to realize what I feel and work through the long term mind bending things that happened to me. Its never easy. Some one said today I am one of the lucky ones.
Yes that is true in so many ways. I am here to tell the tale.
But when it comes right down to it how many are willing to listen to really get what its like?
How many are will to really know how many today are walking around living and surviving something as horrific as what I have lived through?

The really sad part of all of this is most people I know with cancer are my age. Its the silent age but the I want to know more about cancer.
I want to know everything and knowledge is power to get me through to a better point.

I know this a very long read. But I will say this. For me I was 42 and I can't imagine what it feels to be a child or a young adult with cancer. If they survivor its a life time of health care.
I know what I have dealt with and the future holds more of the same.

I suppose what gets me the most in this country is there is still such a stigma about cancer it rocks my socks.
No one purchase like a lotto ticket. No one wants it, its a biological mutation of cells that happens a disease. No one is immune to it. It can happen to anyone. Am I to young or old. Neither, for cripe sakes babies get it and kids. No one is immune no one.

So I guess this was a vent or maybe I am raging cause I hate that kids gotta go through this crap. Its not normal that they have to spend whats left of life in hospitals in treatment, test after test. Or is it fair that parents have to go through this crap witnessing and sharing whats left of life. It just makes me sick thinking about it.

I guess for me having been there its in living color all of it. There is no blk and white on the subject.
It affects so many and some are obivious to it.
When does this stop and when does anyone sit up and take notice of the lives affected by it?

Sighs!!!

Anyways I had thought about not talking about cancer I really was thinking about taking outta my space. However its something although in remission. I will fight and things due to it for the rest of my life. Its something that doesn't just go away and its over. As I said before we all deal with it and thats that.

Its funny...I am to young to get it what having cancer means!!! How is that possible?
If anyone gets it please let me know.

I am off for a rest. Laundry is up and folded.

Hugs and Prayers always Hope

I

Just a thought

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 23:36:29 GMT

"If love is an action, how do you express self-love? Self-love starts with having the courage to be who you are, regardless of what others might think. It is about having the courage to live your dreams, to do what makes you happy in life, so that one day you won't wake up saying, ‘I wish I had.’ Self-love is about self-care, making your health a priority. Self-love is revealed in your willingness to stay focused on the things you say are important. It's about having the courage to set boundaries and protect them". ~ Quote by: Francine Ward

Prayers for a Family.

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 03:08:22 GMT

Please keep Chelsea and her Family in your prayers. Thanks.

Private battles won here.

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 04:56:52 GMT

Generous,
thoughtful,
insightful,
charming,
and new hope.
Amazingly a dark place inside has slowly evaporated.
Hard to write exactly what or why.
The love of others and four words.
Persistence sheds roots here.

Hugs and prayers, Always Hope

*Hear blessings dropping their blossoms around you...*
Rumi

Mortality thats an obstacle

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:22:46 GMT

You know when your young and a teenager...we are in invincable . I remember thinking wow...50 is ancient. So here I am at 52 and its really not old at all. In fact who am I to complain about that.
Life was wonderful back then no worries.
I wasn't thinking of facing my own mortality . Heck it never crossed my mind.
When your faced with at life altering illness. Its so surreal when its you.
You just keep hearing it over and over in your head. Its the weirdest thing.
A punch in the gut. A huge reality check.
I am not as invincable as I once thought.
All of a sudden fear, anxiety, no one wants the face the reality that of their own death. Surreal!!!
I know many have their own health problems where the news pretty much sucks.
Its so hard to deal with an illness that invades the body and it then brings up our own mortality. Very normal reaction. Its never easy.
Mortality is a negative thing viewed by most...and something not talked about.
Who can ignore it when its right in your face, its a reality check needed to live life to the fullest. One day at a time.
With cancer and or any other chronic illness, we have no choice but to face it . Its not as morbid as I use to think after all death is part of life.
Believe me it forces us to journey through to a place of hope. And Hope my friends is what brings us to acceptance.

I have been experiencing a huge reality check of what can happen in my life. I can choose to ignore it. but instead I can't.
Right now for today my blood work doesn't show any cause for concern as far as lymphoma is concerned.
So for today things are good.
Ironically though the reality of it is I am no longer nieve as to what can happen.
So reality checks..are good they keep us vigilant in our own care.

*****************************************************

Go out and Make it a good day..
Always..Hope

Ahhh...true words

Sun, 10 Feb 2008 23:01:36 GMT

What is powerful is when what you say is just the tip of the iceberg of what you know. (Jim Rohn)

Lately I have been looking for words to write. Odd...I have so much to say and remain silent lately.
I am not sure where to take this space. Right now.
After every thing thats happened lately its all so strange.
It doesn't seem fair to not say..that the impact Judy left in the fight. Just makes me fight all the the harder and Rejoice in things around me.
If the shoe as on the other foot I know she would do the same.

Its weird you never know where life will take you who you will meet or when.
I know there is great power in her story and what was given to me.
So the tip of the iceburg is what dwells here.

Thats pretty much it for today.

Hugs and Prayers Hope.

I am thankful for :Silence and what we learn from it
And for iceburgs the metaphors for lessons in life.

A Quote

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 01:43:55 GMT

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
—Aesop

Omg...bring on the Vicks.

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 00:37:28 GMT

Omg!!! I went to the doctors on Friday. I got that bug thats hitting everyone..!!!
My ears were infected to. So I am on antibotics again. I feel better except for the cough!! Its horrible..
Friday I took sudafed most for the day I did not sleep at all. The dam cough drove me nuts.
I got up at 4 and was up for a bit . Then finally slept for a while.
Last night I said enough of this and used the Vicks...along with an old time cough thing cause I am allergic to codiene. Tessalon the little yellow pearl. Did the trick for a bit at least I slept about five hours.
Today ...ick...I feel like crud still ..I finally said enough of this cough and think its the dam asthma. So I started up the inhalers in hopes that helps.
Sighs. I hope like heck the antibotics kick in fast...Cause I am sick of being sick and tired!!!

Oh its Superbowl Sunday. Hubby made his famous steak and cheese subs....Mmmmm!!
Hope the Pats kick some major butt!! Since Tom Brady is my all time favorite Michigan player!
Oh and I do not like the Giants at all LOL

So I am off hoping all this medicine works fast...If not I am going to chuck it all and make a hot toodie. LOL

Have a great night everyone...Hugs and Prayers. Always Hope

I am grateful for: My youngest Son's crazy sense of humor!! Omg he is so dang funny!!

Thoughts

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 02:14:58 GMT

Sometimes I sit staring that the screen and thinking what to say.
I know this space is way different from some.
If I really think about its different in one way. I like spit in the ocean. I am one person dealing with cancer one day at time.
I can only hope that one little speck of spit..sends ripples far and wide.
On what its really like to be a person dealing with lymphoma daily.
Monday I went back to rehab and that was good. I made it through.
Tuesday I walked back in to the living breathing world of cancer. Going to my oncologist for a check up.
Some how that makes me brutally vunerable, it brings a crash of waves slamming back. Feelings that you do not want to remember. Although some things I deal with that are not an issue. But its tough.
My check up went good all blood work was good, a few changes but doesn't report any progression of disease.
Thank goodness. I feel very blessed in so many ways...but its weird why am I hear and others gone?
Anyways,then that night I got a text saying Judy wouldn't make it through the night.
I was so angry upset and again when you hear things like this less you been there its like spit in the ocean. Its sometimes so huge its overwhelm what this dam disease brings to us.
Wednesday I literally drug myself outta bed. To finish Rehab. All I could think was I got no right to complain and Judy once again the motivator she was...Kicked in and I was able to get though it. All I could think of was...her. And that thought pushed me through a fast work out. I was done and finished. I came home and made to the couch...Where I slept for a few hours . I was woken by my text message going off.
Saying she would be at peace at 2pm. Truthfully my heart was broken. When I met her in 2005 we became very fast friends true friends. I don't think some find that kinda friendship. Not this day in age. If we do its priceless.
A while back I read a quote and I will be damn if I can find it now . But it was one of those that explained our friendship to a tee. We lived a few states a way. That didn't matter. It was always about staying strong with this disease. And living with cancer. Not it taking over our lifes.
Judy was a wife. Mother of 9, Nana to 22 and Great Grandma to 2.
She had a wonderful positive attitude. She was a survivor of so many things.
Her and I hit off instantly. I mean that second in talking about lymphoma that was it. Friends till the end.
Its funny this space isn't about cancer. ITs about * Living with cancer * Judy and I both believed that time with family was the most precious thing in life. Living life to its fullest daily seeing the good in it. We were always on the same wave length on so much. Amazingly She kept me as strong as I kept her.
So about that spit in the ocean. I was one person willing to help another. Willing to say I had been there. Willing to say I was in it for the long haul. Amazingly that spit sent ripples all over the world and they are coming back to me very gently like small waves on the edge of the sand.
I will always be grateful for my online friends who care enough.
Though I had the privilege to meet Judy just the one time. I don't care there were no miles between us, from the start we took part in each others lives. Now I look at it. and I am so grateful its amazing.

So when your sitting there thinking your online talking to others or keeping in touch. Don't take it lightly cause you never know about the gifts it might bring in your life.

Life is short....Cease the day!! I know I will.

Hugs and Prayers Hope.

Just something I liked.

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 22:19:43 GMT

Look to this day,

For yesterday is but a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision,
But today, well lived,
Makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.
Sanskrit Proverb

Today I am grateful for: Tenacity

Life

Sat, 02 Feb 2008 04:16:39 GMT

This will be a fast post only cause I am so wasted right now.
63 Days Post Stem Cell Transplant.
Judy passed away on 30th. However I was waiting to get info clear before posting it.
As I write this I am so deeply saddened but then its weird cause I have to smile to.
In the typical Judy fashion, there was always something making her so different from most.
A few weeks back she reported to me that all her tests from the transplant were good .
A clean Pet Scan and other test the lymphoma was gone.
She was Cancer Free!!!
We all rejoiced in that family and friends.

We had talked about tons of thing and one was the deal with being cancer free. I am glad she was.
She fought so hard and long.
But as friends we discussed the win win situation.
We talked about life support and so many things.

She made it through the transplant it was some of the chemo drugs that did damage that
became a big issue in the end.

The one thing I gotta say. I met her the first night she was diagnosis, in a cancer chat.
She said I was her mentor. Well now I gotta say she became mine.
She taught me so much and I am proud to say the long haul was so worth the trip.

I will remain true to the Motto.
I have cancer but it doesn't have me.
Just because thats what we would do.

Hugs and Prayers Hope

RIP Judy